Sunday, April 5, 2026 — Vol. MMXXVI — No. 101
"All the Conversions Unfit to Print"
Special Report
Crew departs atop 14.4 million Big Macs of rocket; mission expected to conclude in 57,600 TikTok videos
NASA's Artemis II mission this week carried four astronauts — Commander Reid Wiseman, Pilot Victor Glover, Mission Specialists Christina Koch and Jeremy Hansen — toward the Moon aboard a Space Launch System rocket weighi…
Space Desk — April 7, 2026
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News, notes, and allegations from our editorial staff.
Crew departs atop 14.4 million Big Macs of rocket; mission expected to conclude in 57,600 TikTok videos
NASA's Artemis II mission this week carried four astronauts — Commander Reid Wiseman, Pilot Victor Glover, Mission Specialists Christina Koch and Jeremy Hansen — toward the Moon…
Space Desk — April 7, 2026
Economists confirm tariff burden fully expressible in beverage units
The White House announced this week that its sweeping new tariff package will cost the average American household roughly $1,500 in 2026 — a figure our analysts have converted, at…
Economics Desk — April 4, 2026
Jacob Kiplimo completes 13.1 miles in Lisbon; scientists baffled, exhausted
Jacob Kiplimo of Uganda set a new half-marathon world record in Lisbon on Sunday, completing the 13.1-mile course — equivalent to 142,861 iPhone 16s laid end-to-end — in 57 minutes…
Athletics Correspondent — April 4, 2026
Director David Fincher settles for a mere 1.43 million; Tarantino gets guacamole
Netflix confirmed this week that Brad Pitt will earn $40 million — or 2,859,185 Chipotle burrito bowls at current menu prices — to star in and produce "The Adventures of Cliff…
Entertainment Bureau — April 4, 2026
Eight categories of unnecessary knowledge, each with real product data.
Length
Feet, meters, miles — converted into iPhones, hot dogs, and football fields.
Weight
Pounds and kilograms, reimagined as Big Macs, Teslas, and bowling balls.
Temperature
From body temp to the sun's surface, in units of coffee and pizza ovens.
Volume
Fluid ounces and gallons, measured in bathtubs and Starbucks Ventis.
Speed
MPH and km/h, compared to Usain Bolt, cheetahs, and Tesla Plaids.
Energy
Calories and kilowatt-hours, expressed in Big Macs and Powerwalls.
Area
Square feet and acres, converted into parking spaces and tennis courts.
Time
Seconds, minutes, years — measured in TikToks and Super Bowl commercials.
Every product specification in our database of 101 items is sourced from official manufacturer websites, government databases (NASA, USGS, NOAA), and established references. The conversions are mathematically correct. Whether they are useful is a matter we decline to address. We take our uselessness very seriously.
— The Editorial Board, The Useless Converter